Barb Lavalley Benton

There was a time when I didn’t know, in any given moment, if I was coming or going. Fear is a Liar: Fear Drives was a flight to escape reality. Fear and self-doubt created a vortex of confusion where I couldn’t make decisions and I felt I didn’t have a home. My foot propped on the front bumper of the jeep emphasizes that moment where I was consumed with panic and introspection, unsure of which way to go. The black hole stretched before me and a manic loop played in my mind of What does it all mean? My life. Who am I now? How can I fix this? 

I realized I had built my identity around the love of someone else.  I learned, fear is a liar. I learned, I had a maniac in my head that also lied to me. I learned, even if I had been broken into pieces that I could put myself back together. It would take time--some pieces were shattered. My biggest lesson was that I had to let those destroyed pieces go and not look back. 

Fear is a Liar: Don’t let Fear Drive is a second drawing created simultaneously. The fear and anxiety during this experience triggered emotions even while drawing, and I re-traveled many miles in my head. On this second piece, I focused on how I came through that fear and I used that healing. The lighter soft pastels and fluid motion together induced a sense of calm. The dove marks represent flight towards learning what drives and sustains me as a person, and as a spiritual being. Self-love and forgiveness were the first steps. I had to learn these truths before I could let go of regret and forgive others. This process was necessary for moving forward; for learning to hope for things I could not imagine on my own. For letting go, and moving from fear toward a place of peace no matter the circumstance.